Merry Christmas, London
by Revcon
Summary: What will the heroes do when their antenna is demolished just days before Christmas? Of course Colonel Hogan will find a way to radio the messages! Now Complete!
1. Chapter 1

**I started writing this story just after Christmas, but was not ready to publish it until just now. This is my first fanfiction story, so reviews are appreciated!**

**I do not own Hogan's Heroes, but I do own this story.**

**Chapter One**

Sergeant Kinchloe, more commonly called Kinch, sat in the freezing cold tunnel, starting to relay the locations of the newest anti-aircraft locations to London over the monstrous, black, flashing radio.

"Following message from Papa Bear concerns recently tasted Hofbraus." Kinch began to say in the new code. However, before he could get one more sentence out, he heard someone coming down the ladder into the tunnel.

"Kinch, turn off the radio and disconnect our antenna, and that's an order." Colonel Hogan yelled as he landed with a small thud onto the hard packed dirt.

"Yes, sir." Kinch said as he cut off communications with London and began to retract the antenna from the flagpole situated directly above them. Within a few moments, Kinch was holding any incriminating evidence from the flagpole that could point to their "Underground" operation at Stalag 13. Kinch looked up at Colonel Hogan with a questioning look as he held the only antenna that they had.

"What happened with Klink and Burkhalter, Colonel?" Kinch inquired. Hogan began to pace in the limited space of the tunnel.

"Colonel?" Kinch asked once more.

"Burkhalter had to do it, didn't he?" Colonel Hogan said as he slammed his fist on the table in frustration. "He just had to decide to give all of the Kommandants under his command new flagpoles for Christmas. I mean, whatever happened to socks? Or scarves for that matter? Heck, he could have even gone all out and given them each some candy, but flagpoles? How did this nut ever become a general?"

"The same way Hitler became the leader of Germany." Kinch said. Some dust fell from the ceiling, coating Kinch and Hogan in a layer of dark brown dirt.

"That's the crazy thing! Hitler was the one who passed a new rule that the Nazi flag has to be flown ½ meter higher than it is currently being hung! So naturally every single flagpole in Germany will have to be replaced."

"So, when is the flagpole going to be torn down?"

"About thirty seconds ago." Hogan said, looking at his watch

"When will the new one be here?"

"It'll arrive the day after Christmas. The mail is running a little slow. There is a war on, you know."

Hogan strode towards the ladder. He motioned for Kinch to follow him as he ascended into the main portion of the barracks. Newkirk and Carter were sitting at the table playing Gin Rummy while LeBeau was stirring some heavily spiced batter by the stove. All of the men in the room were wearing every article of clothing they possessed and the majority of them were huddled around the only source of heat in the room, which was the potbellied stove.

"Are you alright, guv'nor? You rushed into that tunnel as if the entire German High Command were hot on your 'eels!" Newkirk said, suddenly forgetting his card game.

"Oui, either all of them or one of Frau Linkmeyer." LeBeau said.

"I've got some bad news, guys." Hogan said as he stood next to the table.

"It's Frau Linkmeyer, the German High Command, and Mrs. Tanner." Carter said eagerly.

"Who's Mrs. Tanner?" Kinch asked.

"My high school Algebra teacher. Let me tell you, she was a mean old goat. I remember one time…"

"Carter," Hogan said, interrupting another one of Carters ramblings. "This is serious. Burkhalter just demolished the flagpole inside of camp."

"The one we've been using for an antenna?" Newkirk asked.

"How many other flag poles did you notice around here?" Kinch asked dryly.

"Knock it off." Hogan said "Now, this wouldn't be much of a problem, as London promised us to give us a break until after Christmas, but we didn't have enough time to send the anti-aircraft data to them."

"Colonel, how are we going to send London the information?" LeBeau asked, pouring his batter into a dish that Schultz had happily provided for the fee of an extra large helping of the finished product.

"I haven't the foggiest." Hogan said. He strode towards the window and peered out into the compound, where freshly falling snow had destroyed the evidence of where the truck that had demolished the flagpole had been. "At least it's close to Christmas; more of the goons will be on leave."

"Yeah, because today is the twenty second, it's exactly two days, ten hours, twelve minutes and…" Carter checked his wristwatch "twenty nine, twenty eight, twenty seven..."

"Blimey, Carter, I didn't think you were tracking it that closely." Newkirk said, rolling his eyes.

"Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. Me and my brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and cousins would all sing Christmas carols as we decorated our tree. Once, we went a little overboard on the tree. We picked the biggest one we could find. It barely fit inside the house and…"

"Carter, shut your mouth before I shut it for you." LeBeau said, waving his spoon menacingly. "The last thing we need is to remember what Christmas back home is like." LeBeau quickly wiped away a tear, hopefully before any of the others had noticed it. "Anyways, my Christmas tree would put any American tree to shame."

"Sorry to burst your bubbles, chaps, but could we quit talking about Christmases back 'ome and focus on how we are going to transmit our bloody message to London?" Newkirk said, annoyed at the open sentimentality the other prisoners were displaying.

"Hold on." Hogan said softly as he sat down on one of the rough-hewn benches. His eyes twinkled like they always did when he had a plan. "Kinch, how high would our antenna need to be to transmit a message to London?"

"I think about 20 feet would be the shortest we could do."

"Fellas, what would you think of putting up the tallest, best decorated tree of all of the Luft Stalags in the area?" Hogan said, grinning from ear to ear.

"I think the Colonel's gone off his rocker this time, I really do." Newkirk said, rolling his eyes at what was shaping up to be another one of Hogan's crazy schemes.

"But Colonel," Carter began perplexedly "How will this help us transmit those anti-aircraft locations to London?"

"Because," Hogan's mischievous smile grew even wider "This will be the only Christmas tree in Germany that has a radio antenna running up it."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Hogan walked through the small, snow covered stretch of the compound that separated Barracks 2 from the Kommandant's office. His army boots made a crunching sound in the freshly falling snow as he quickly strolled towards the small military-green colored building. He then quickly walked up the stairs past the guards and let himself in to the office.

"Hey, Hilda." Hogan said, sneaking up behind Klink's blond secretary who was occupied with the filing cabinets at the back of the room.

"Guten Tag, Colonel Hogan." Hilda said, smiling as she continued to file papers.

"Is the 'Iron Eagle' in?" Hogan asked as he kissed her neck.

"Ja, he is doing his paperwork."

"Great, thanks sweetheart." Hogan walked over towards the dark brown, wood door and, without knocking, opened it and let himself in.

"Hogan, go away, I'm busy." Klink said as he occupied himself behind his large wooden desk. The interior of the Kommandant's office was warmer than any other building in the Stalag, but Klink was still wearing his heavy overcoat and gloves.

"Colonel Klink, I just have one request." Hogan said as he continued to stride into the room.

"Oh, go ahead, ask. And please hurry it up; I have dozens of Christmas leave passes to fill out for my guards."

"Alright then, the men would like to have a camp Christmas tree."

"And exactly where would this Christmas tree be?"

"Oh, somewhere between Barracks 2 and your office. It will only be up for about a day or so, so it shouldn't be too much trouble."

"Outside? Why not put it in the rec hall?"

"Sir, to have a single Christmas tree that truly fills the needs of the entire camp, it will have to be about 20 feet tall. Naturally it wouldn't fit into the rec hall!"

"Absolutely not, Hogan!" Klink yelled.

"Come on, Kommandant! Where's your Christmas spirit?" Hogan said. He leaned forward and put his hands on the huge wooden desk.

"I don't have time for this Hogan, Di-i-i-ismissed!" Klink began to pretend to scribble feverishly onto a piece of paper.

"Alright," Hogan said, walking towards the door "But when good old Stalag 13 comes in last place in the Stalag Christmas Spirit contest and Colonel Schmidt from Stalag 10 gets the Christmas Kommandant of the Year award, don't come crying to me." Hogan gave a sloppy salute and opened the door.

"What Christmas Kommandant of the Year award? I was not aware of any competition?" Klink asked.

"You mean they forgot to tell you again? The Christmas Kommandant of the Year award has been going on since the beginning of the war! Most of my men heard about it even before they were captured. I thought for sure that they would remember to tell you this year. Oh, well, since you don't care about medals and prizes and such, my men will just have to content themselves with small, nondescript trees." Hogan opened the door wider and stepped outside.

"Hogan, wait." Klink implored just before Hogan closed the door. Hogan turned around and looked at him expectantly. "Maybe we can put up a camp Christmas tree."

"Great! You should send your men to work on it immediately. In the mean time, have our Red Cross packages arrived?" Hogan asked, sauntering back over to the desk.

"My men? Hogan, this is your idea! Your men must chop down the tree and decorate it! And no, your Red Cross packages have not arrived yet. Hogan, Dismissed!" Klink said. Ignoring Hogan's presence completely, he continued to pretend to work on his paperwork. Hogan quietly and deftly stole a cigar out of the case, gave Klink another salute, and exited the office.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three:**

The next day, Hogan, Carter, Kinch, Newkirk and Schultz stomped through the thick, evergreen forest that surrounded Stalag 13. Carter, Kinch and Newkirk were carrying axes and saws, and Hogan was carrying Schultz's gun.

"Please could we head back to camp? My feet are hurting and I am getting a headache." Schultz said, huffing and puffing intensely.

"Aw, Schultz, we can't go back yet! We have to find the perfect tree." Carter said, taking his axe off of his shoulder and using it to support himself.

"Oh, well when you find it, come back and get me please? I shall sit on this log until you return." Schultz said. He brushed off the snow from the log and sat down. Hogan laid Schultz's gun onto the log next to him.

"Don't worry Schultzie; we'll be back before you realize we were gone." Newkirk said

"Good. Cockroach promised to give me some of his special Christmas strudel as soon as we return, so please, hurry up." Carter, Newkirk, Hogan, and Kinch walked away from Schultz.

"So, what kind of tree do we need, Colonel?" Kinch asked

"The branches have to be thick enough to easily disguise the antenna and the wire that will lead to the tunnel. Also, it has to be tall enough, you said roughly 20 feet, right Kinch?" Hogan said as he examined a nearby tree.

"Well, blimey can we hurry it up? I can't feel my feet, and I'm wearing two pairs of socks." Newkirk said, shivering

"It doesn't matter how many socks you're wearing if your boots look like Swiss cheese. One time when I was about five my mother told me that…" Carter started to say.

"Carter, shut up." Newkirk interrupted

"How about this one, Colonel?" Kinch said pointing to a tall fir tree.

"You know what Kinch, that one looks perfect." Hogan said, looking at the thick evergreen.

"Well, blimey then, let's start chopping." Newkirk walked up to the tree and began to hack at it with his hatchet.

"Here…let me help!" Carter said, also beginning to whack at the trunk.

"Carter, let me handle this one. If it were my decision, you wouldn't even be holding that axe, now walk away before you chop me bloody hand off!" Newkirk said angrily. Obligingly, Carter stepped away from the tree. Within a few minutes, the tree was laying on the ground.

"Let's get this beauty back to camp." Newkirk said as he began to tie ropes around the tree.

"Good work, men. This tree will be the envy of every Stalag in the area." Colonel Hogan said with a hint of humor in his voice. When the tree was ready, Colonel Hogan turned to Kinch and asked,

"Will the radio antenna that we took out of the flagpole be able to be repaired?"

"Sure, Colonel," Kinch replied, "We should have it ready for installation, or decoration, by tomorrow."

"Excuse me, but how is our big antenna going to look in place on a Christmas tree. I mean, I see how we have the wires and stuff running up it, but what about the antenna itself?" Carter asked as he, Newkirk and Kinch began to pull the tree towards where they had left Schultz.

"Don't you know anything about decorating trees?" Hogan asked mischievously, "Every Christmas tree needs a Christmas star!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four:**

The men were sitting in the barracks making decorations. The tree had arrived at camp without a problem, not counting Schultz almost fainting from exhaustion on the way back. The men were all happy, anticipating the break from the "dull, boring routine of prison life," as Klink liked to put it. The men were all drinking scalding hot coffee and making decorations as they happily talked about their Christmases back home.

"Hey, Carter!" Newkirk yelled from across the room, "Do you 'ave any of those chemical strips that you use to make caps that I could borrow?"

"Yeah, why?" Carter asked perplexed. He stuck his finger into his mouth after stabbing it with the needle he was using to string popcorn with.

"I'm making crackers!" Newkirk said as if the answer was the most obvious thing in the world.

"You use flour to make crackers, not caps!" LeBeau said in disgust, "Stupid Englishmen don't know how to cook."

"You don't eat 'em! You crack 'em! That's why they're called crackers!" Newkirk said. LeBeau looked at him in confusion. "Don't tell me you've never played with a cracker! Me dad used to make 'em for me whole family." Newkirk drew more confused stares from the men in the barracks. "Tell you what, I'll make one for each of you, and then put 'em in your stockings."

Carter's face lit up as Newkirk mentioned stockings. He exclaimed "Oh, boy! I love stockings! They're my favorite part! Besides the tree and the presents and the food and the…"

"Blimey, Carter! Why don't you tell us what you don't like about Christmas?" Newkirk said, rolling his eyes at Carter's outburst. Carter looked serious and thoughtful for a few moments. He strung a few more pieces of popcorn onto his string while staring at them intently.

"That's the quietest Carter has been since the end of Thanksgiving." Olsen said as he continued to paste together his bright blue paper chain. Laughing and chattering, they continued to work on their decorations. Suddenly, the door flew open and a very cold, shivering Schultz walked into the room.

"Oh hiya, Schultz. What can I do for you?" Hogan asked as he tied evergreen boughs together to form a wreath.

"The Kommandant wants to see you in his office." Schultz said, shivering the snow off of his shoulders onto the barracks floor.

"Did he tell you why he wanted to see me?" Hogan asked

"Hogan, don't you know by now that I see nothing, I hear nothing, I say nothing!" Schultz said loudly and firmly. Hogan reached inside of his jacket and pulled out a bar of chocolate.

"Perhaps I heard something." Schultz said.

"What did you hear, Schultz?"

"I heard the Kommandant call General Burkhalter, Colonel Schmidt from Stalag 10, Colonel Schneider from Stalag 12, Colonel Johann from Stalag 9, Major Klein from Stalag 11, and a Major Braun from the propaganda ministry. That is all." Schultz snatched the candy bar out of Hogan's hand and walked back out into the howling wind.

"Do you think he found out that there is no 'Christmas Kommandant' award?" Carter asked

"I hope he didn't or our Christmas goose is cooked." Hogan said. He pulled his collar up around his ears. "Is Kinch almost done with the antenna?" Hogan asked to no one in particular.

"Last time I checked, he said he needed only another half hour or so, Colonel." LeBeau said. Hogan nodded his acknowledgement to the short Frenchman before he pushed the door open and walked into the compound.

Hogan quickly walked up the front steps that led to the Kommandant's office. He opened the door and closed it behind him quickly, so as not to let too cold of a draft into the office. He noticed that Hilda was busy on the phone, so he merely waved at her before he let himself in to the Kommandant's private office. Hogan saluted as he walked into the room

"You wanted to see me, Kommandant?" Hogan asked.

"Yes. I've been thinking a lot about that 'Christmas Kommandant' award and I realized that this is the kind of thing that would not only look good for Berlin, but for the propaganda ministry as well!" Klink said with a large, devious smile that showed his rows of tiny teeth.

"Go on." Hogan said with an almost indiscernible hint of worry in his voice.

"So, I invited a few of my friends, they're all Kommandants from other Stalags, except for General Burkhalter and Major Braun from the department of propaganda, to all come over for a Christmas party. The major will film the prisoners and guards all overcoming their differences and being united through Christmas!" Klink laughed with his mouth open, clapping his hands together in delight. "Don't you see? With this film, my Christmas present from Berlin will be a promotion to General!" Klink again laughed with his mouth open.

"If that's all, Kommandant, I'll be leaving." Hogan said as he walked towards the door.

"Why so soon?" Colonel Klink asked.

"I have to tell LeBeau that our Christmas goose has not been cooked!" Hogan said as he saluted and left the office, leaving behind him a very perplexed Colonel Klink.


	5. Chapter 5

**Wow! I never expected so many good reviews! Please keep reviewing! Constructive criticism is always appreciated!**

**Chapter Five:**

Hogan returned to the barracks. They looked exactly like they did when he left, except now a giant metal antenna was lying on the table in the middle of the room. The men had haphazardly covered the antenna with a blanket and had strewn a deck of cards on top of it in a vain attempt to disguise it in case Hogan had been a German guard.

"Did you listen in on the coffeepot?" Hogan asked his men, who nodded.

"Having that Major Braun around is going to complicate things a little." Kinch said as he fastened a large metal star on the top of the antenna.

"I can't believe it." LeBeau muttered under his breath.

"Believe what, that old blood and guts would decide to throw a Christmas party in a POW camp?" Newkirk asked

"No! That he expects me to cook for them. All week I have been pummeled with requests. Newkirk wants plum pudding and mince pies; Carter wants pumpkin bread, Olsen and Baker both want sugar cookies just like their mothers used to make, and Kinch wants cranberry sauce! I am just about through!" LeBeau sat down in a huff.

"LeBeau," Hogan began,

"What?" LeBeau asked angrily

"You forgot my apple pie."

"I give up." LeBeau said half jokingly. He flung his ridiculously large chef's hat to the ground. "No one appreciates a master chef." As he said this, Schultz came into the room, bringing a blast of frigid air with him. The men sitting at the table quickly resumed their card game.

"Hi Schultz, what can I do for you?" Hogan asked as Schultz walked over to the fire and held his hands as close as he could to it. Schultz shivered and stuttered for a few seconds before he was finally able to begin to speak.

"The Kommandant asked for me to bring this to the Cockroach." He held up a blue piece of paper with a few scribbles on it. "It is a list of traditional German Christmas food that he wants him to make for the party."

"What if I say I won't make it?" LeBeau asked indignantly

"The Kommandant thought you might say that, so he told me to tell you that Der Weihnachtsmann, that's Santa, won't be able to get into the cooler to give you any presents."

"Alright, what's on the list?" LeBeau asked, ripping the paper out of Schultz's hand. He muttered to himself as he read the list. "Lebkuchen, Stollen, and Reisbrei? Schultz, I am not a German! The only German food I know how to make is streudel. I don't know how to make any of this!"

"That's why I have the recipes." Schultz pulled more pieces of blue paper out of his pocket. "Be a good Cockroach and make extra Stollen? That is my favorite, especially when it is absolutely stuffed with fruit!" Schultz said, sighing as he left the barracks, letting the wind blow more snow into them.

"I won't cook any filthy bosche food!" LeBeau said indignantly, preparing to tear up the list and the recipes.

"Oh, yes you will." Hogan said, placing his hand on LeBeau's arm to steady him "We need to keep a low profile, otherwise Klink might get suspicious. You will make the food and that's an order!"

"Oh, all right. Vive le France!" LeBeau said indignantly as he placed his puffy, lopsided chef's hat firmly on his head.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six:**

The next day was Christmas Eve. As soon as morning roll call was completed, every prisoner in the camp was hard at work decorating. Before twelve o'clock, the entire camp was a sparkling winter wonderland. One of the prisoners had even hung a wreath on the Kommandant's office door. The snow was lightly falling without a wind, coating the entire camp in white. From the mess hall, delicious aromas from spice cakes, cookies, pies, and a goose were filling the air. Carter, Newkirk, and a few men from the other barracks were busy building snowmen for a contest that was to be judged by Schultz. Hogan was standing under the porch roof of the Kommandant's office with Klink, surveying the work.

"Hogan, I just don't understand it. I have never seen any of the prisoners work so hard. I truly didn't think they had it in them." Klink said.

"Well, Kommandant, Christmas is an important holiday for all of them." Hogan said as he wrapped his arms around his waist.

Hogan watched the men putting up the tree with particular interest. The antenna had been put in place yesterday and the tree had already been decorated. With the aid of several ropes, the men positioned the trunk into a hole that they had dug out. The hole, once filled with dirt, would be the tree's support. Hogan watched as Baker carefully brought the wire from the, now upright, tree into the barracks. While the other men were shoveling dirt into the hole that would support the tree, Olsen carefully brushed snow over the wire that was lying on the ground. Hogan hoped that Kinch and Baker would be able to get the new antenna wired up and the message transmitted before Klink noticed that they were missing.

"Now, Hogan, I want you and your men to be on your best behavior when my guests are here. This propaganda film could give Berlin grounds to promote me to general." Klink said, adjusting his riding crop underneath his arm.

"Kommandant, have a little faith? Would we ever intentionally try to stop you from becoming a general?" Hogan asked, feigning innocence.

"Yes, you would." Klink said. His forehead scrunched into worry lines as he contemplated to what lengths the men would go to keep him from being promoted to general. Thoughts of riots and escapes, at least attempted ones, filled his mind.

"Hogan, if anything goes wrong I will hold you personally responsible!" Klink said. He shook his fist at Hogan in what was supposed to be a threat.

"Don't worry, Kommandant, nothing is going to happen." Hogan said, discreetly crossing his fingers. Nothing out of the ordinary was going to happen, London would receive the new anti-aircraft locations and the filmmakers were going to "forget" to put the film in just as they always did. As Hogan and Klink surveyed the decorating, a black staff car pulled up to the main gate.

"Ah! That would be General Burkhalter!" Klink said. He hopped down the porch stairs and strutted over to the gate. Hogan leisurely followed behind him.

"Merry Christmas, General Burkhalter! Heil Hitler!" Klink declared as Burkhalter pushed himself out of the car, a difficult task for a man his size.

"Merry Christmas, Klink. For once, I have to say you have a good idea. A Christmas propaganda movie set in a POW camp would reflect very well on me in Berlin." General Burkhalter said in his whiny voice, shaking Klink's eagerly outstretched hand.

"I'm so very glad you think so, General Burkhalter! Perhaps you can mention me when you give this movie to Berlin?" Klink implored

"If I remember." General Burkhalter said, rolling his eyes. He noticed Colonel Hogan for the first time

"Ah, Colonel Hogan, how do you feel about the propaganda film?"

"Truthfully, sir, I think it's a wonderful idea. I mean, why shouldn't our men back home see how much fun we're having in good old Stalag 13? After this video is shown, hundreds, nay thousands of Allied soldiers will be breaking down the gates just to be captured in such a…happy place." Colonel Hogan said, sarcastically.

"Hogan!" Colonel Klink exclaimed

"Sorry, sir." Hogan said, pretending to hang his head. "Well, if you don't mind, I've been asked to supervise the judging of the snowman building contest. Colonel Klink, General Burkhalter." Hogan sharply saluted each of them before he began to walk towards his barracks.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven:**

"Do you have those messages sent off yet, Kinch?" Hogan asked as he walked over to the radio.

"I haven't sent them yet, Colonel. I just finished connecting the antenna to the radio." Kinch said. He fiddled with the switches, knobs and dials for a few moments. He placed the headphones onto his head.

"Papa Bear to Mama Bear, do you read me, Mama Bear? Papa Bear to Mama Bear, do you read me?" Kinch asked into the microphone

"We read you loud and clear Papa Bear, stand by for further communications." A British, distinctly female voice said over the radio.

"We've got it, Colonel!" Kinch said with a smile.

"Good work, Kinch!" Hogan said, patting his teammate on the back.

"What the bloody 'ell happened the other day? We waited for three hours for the information! Why couldn't you relay it to us?" A male British voice said over the radio.

"We lost our antenna and could only replace it today." Kinch said into the microphone.

"Well, at least we are up and running now. So what is the information you have concerning the ant…hofbraus?" The officer on the other end slipped, almost relaying the message without using the code. Kinch quickly relayed the anti-aircraft locations to London without trouble.

"Merry Christmas, London. Papa Bear out." Kinch said as he cut off the communication.

"The hard part's done. Now all we have to do is get the antenna off of the tree without it being damaged or destroyed and without Klink suspecting what we're doing." Hogan said, sighing with relief. He walked over to a support beam, placed his arm on it and rested his head on it. "Now how are we going to get the antenna off of the tree without it being damaged or destroyed and without Klink suspecting what we're doing?" Hogan paced in the limited space of the radio room. Kinch simply sat by the radio and watched, waiting for Hogan to find a solution to the problem.

"I've got it!" Hogan exclaimed. He looked thoughtful for a few minutes, then suddenly looked crestfallen. "I don't have it." Hogan walked towards the ladder that led up to his barracks.

"Have you thought of something, Colonel?" Kinch asked

"No, I'm hoping Klink will give me an idea." Hogan said as he climbed the rough wooden ladder. He stood up in the barracks and brushed any dust that may have accumulated on his clothing. Kinch climbed up behind him and tapped the bed frame to disguise the entrance to the tunnel once again.

"Hey, Colonel, Schultz is looking for you. We sent him off to barracks five, which sent him to barracks three, which sent him to barracks four." Carter said as he came inside the barracks from the compound. "He said that if we saw you to send you to Colonel Klink's office."

"Thanks, Carter. Did any of our host of the year's guests arrive?" Hogan asked

"Major Braun showed up, but the other Stalag's kommandants chickened out at the last minute. We have two that are sick, one that has to attend to family matters, and one that just got transferred to the eastern front." Carter said, ticking off the guests on his fingers.

"Great, the fewer experienced kommandants who may get curious as to what we're doing the better. Carter, you said that Major Braun has arrived?"

"Yeah, I did. He put all of his camera gear in the rec hall."

"Good work. Newkirk," Hogan motioned the British corporal over to the table, "How long would it take you to take the film out of the camera?"

"About ten or fifteen minutes if there's a guard." Newkirk said

"Carter, who's guarding the rec hall?" Hogan asked

"Schultz is on duty in about two minutes."

"Oh, well then I say it will take me five minutes, and a large slice of strudel." Newkirk said, laughingly.

"I'll try to hold them for that long, but please forgive me if I can't. I'm only human." Hogan said, sarcastically. He opened the door and stepped into the compound.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight:**

Hogan stepped around the huge, evergreen tree as he walked through the dusting of newly fallen snow towards the office building. He looked at the tree, trying to find any trace of the antenna wire in the thick, dark, intertwined branches that were adorned with ribbons, paper chains, popcorn chains, paper flowers, and ornaments that the prisoners from metal shop and wood shop had made. He smiled, as he was unable to find any trace of the wire, even when he knew it was there. He opened the door to the Kommandant's heated office and gave a sloppy salute to the three men who were sitting in it.

"Ah, Hogan. We've been waiting for you! This is Major Braun from the propaganda ministry, and of course you already know General Burkhalter." Klink said, smiling much too broadly. Major Braun was an old, wiry man with salt and pepper hair that contained more salt than pepper. His English was heavily accented, as if he was unaccustomed to speaking in it.

"Major, General." Hogan said, greeting Klink's guests with individual salutes.

"Now, Hogan, I've been telling Major Braun and General Burkhalter about how your men have really been working hard to make this camp ready for Christmas and we were wondering if you would like to show us around the camp. I told them that you wouldn't mind."

"This would probably be a good thing for me to film, too." Major Braun said, standing up from his chair.

"Uh…" Hogan stood up and said, "Just give me a few minutes to go tell my men. You know they are very proud of their work and would feel ashamed if their folks back home saw an untidy work space."

"Oh, alright, Hogan." Klink said, "Once you have warned your men, come back and get us. However, if there is any funny business…" Klink waved his fist in what was supposed to be a menacing gesture.

"Are you expecting funny business, Klink?" Burkhalter asked, smugly.

"Oh, no General Burkhalter. As you can see, the prisoners are quite cowed, but occasionally they need to be reminded." Klink said, covering up his blunder. He looked at Hogan and said "You have five minutes."

"Yes, sir." Hogan said, saluting as he exited the office.

********

Newkirk, hands in his pockets, shuffled through the three-inch deep snow towards the rec hall, where Schultz was standing on full alert, or what could be considered full alert for Sergeant Schultz. In reality, he was sitting on one of the rough hewn benches with his rifle laying across his knees.

"Ello' there, Schultzie." Newkirk said, slapping Schultz's snow-dusted back.

"Newkirk, what are you doing here?" Schultz said standing up and pointing the butt end of his rifle at him

"It's alright, Schultz, I just want to have a look inside at the camera equipment. I heard that this Braun fellow has all of the best equipment and that made me curious. Before the war, I wanted to be a director, you know."

"I don't know, Newkirk, the Kommandant will be very angry if he sees me abandoning my post!" Schultz said, worriedly.

"How about you just see nothing, hear nothing, say nothing, and know nothing?" Newkirk produced a very large piece of apple strudel from under his coat.

"Perhaps, you can have a look around. But if the Kommandant comes over here, hide, please?"

"Alright Schultz, we have a deal!" Newkirk handed the large piece of strudel to Schultz and quietly slipped inside the building.

*******

Hogan walked towards the mess hall, where LeBeau was supervising the creation of delicious, spiced, aromatic dishes.

"Non, non, non, Carter! The cinnamon must be sprinkled into the batter, not poured! Sacre Chat!" LeBeau screamed at Carter frantically. LeBeau was attired in full chef regalia, including an apron, a white, puffy hat, and a temper as hot as the roast goose.

"I don't see what the big deal is. It all ends up in the batter anyway." Carter mumbled in annoyance as he pushed his chef's hat out of his eyes.

"Sacre Bleu! Do you know how much I had to pay Schultz to buy this for me? We must make sure we do not waste one sprinkle. Do you think that cinnamon grows on trees?" LeBeau yelled.

"Actually, I think cinnamon does grow on trees." Carter replied.

"Not in Germany it doesn't, now sprinkle!" LeBeau huffed.

"You chef types are so particular." Carter said.

"I am trying to make rare, culinary masterpieces from base ingredients for even baser palates. My job is hard enough without American sabotage!"

"LeBeau, can you leave your kitchen for a few moments? Or will Carter forget how to stir batter while you are gone?" Hogan said sarcastically.

"Oh, hello mon Colonel. No, no I can leave." LeBeau turned towards Carter. "Carter, you are head chef until I get back. Do not let anyone touch the strudel, am I clear?" He stuck his hat on Carter's head and turned towards his Colonel once more. "What needs to be done?"

"I need you to climb the tree and retrieve the radio antenna. Make sure Major Braun, Burkhalter, and Klink don't see you. Stash it in someone's bunk until we can retrieve it later, got that?"

"Oui, mon Colonel." LeBeau saluted theatrically and walked towards the door of the mess hall. Hogan followed him out of the door and began to stride out of the compound towards Kommandant Klink's office.

*********

"Oh, Hogan, you're back!" Klink said, putting on his coat. "Where shall we go first?"

"I think that the mess hall would be a wonderful place to start, Kommandant. It's homey, warm, and it's one of the pride and joys of this camp. It would be a fitting beginning for the film, don't you think, Major?" Hogan said

"Oh, yes." Major Braun said, looking at Hogan quickly after he had caught him daydreaming out of the window. Hogan chuckled to himself. The view of the compound certainly was entertaining in comparison to listening to Klink and Burkhalter's conversations.

"Alright, if you would just follow me," Hogan walked towards the door.

"However, first, we must stop by the rec hall. I have left my camera equipment in there and it must be retrieved before the filming can commence." Major Braun said, pulling his gloves on over his knobby knuckles

"Ok, first the rec hall, then the mess hall, and maybe after that we can stop by the delousing station. It's absolutely stunning when the sun is setting and there is a fresh layer of white powdery snow…" Hogan began

"No delousing stations!" Klink said adamantly.

"Well, alright, but you're missing out on a big treat." Hogan said in mock sorrow as he led the trio out of the office.


	9. Chapter 9

**Reviews are still appreciated! I was not sure of LeBeau's religion, but for the purposes of this story, I made him Catholic. **

**Chapter Nine:**

The three German officers and Hogan began to walk towards the rec hall, the snow crunching underneath their boots. Hogan looked over to where he left LeBeau standing against one of the barracks. Hogan put two fingers to his hat, which was their commonly used "begin mission" signal. LeBeau nodded in recognition. Hogan picked up the pace of his walk a little as they passed behind the barracks.

"I am hopeful that, through this video, the whole of the Allied forces will realize the futility of fighting. However, I would be lying if I said that I didn't want you to report this to Berlin. After all, I have been asking for a promotion for seven years now and it would be the best Christmas present ever if it were given to me…" Klink babbled in time with his stride.

"Klink…shut up." Burkhalter said. Burkhalter stopped for a moment, trying to catch his breath. "Hogan…can we…please…slow down? I…can't breathe."

"But General, this is just a brisk walk across the compound, surely you cannot be tired…" Klink said, with a slight bit of humor

"I thought you said you wanted a promotion, Klink!"

"Hogan, slow the pace!"

"Ah. We're here." Hogan walked up to the door of the rec hall

"You have no need to enter the building. I shall retrieve the camera and film myself." Major Braun elbowed his way between General Burkhalter and Klink. He pushed Hogan away from the door and walked into the building. The remaining three waited outside the building in almost complete silence. The only sound that could be heard was the sound of the choir practicing O Come O Come Emmanuel from across the compound.

"So General Burkhalter, what are you doing for Christmas?" Hogan asked to break the silence.

"Avoiding my wife," Burkhalter muttered "and hopefully avoiding the rest of my family as well."

"Not a happy family reunion?" Hogan asked cheerfully

"Happy is the last word I would use to describe it. Between mother arguing with my mother-in-law and Gertrude criticizing my wife's cooking…I'd rather be transferred to the Russian front than be at my family's Christmas party."

"Maybe I could join you for Christmas this year?" Klink said hopefully

"If you did, the only thing that could cure my headache would be if I shot myself, which I don't intend to do anytime soon." As Burkhalter was saying this, Major Braun walked out of the building, carrying his large, bulky camera.

"All set then? Good. Follow me." Hogan began to walk towards the mess hall, which was conveniently located across the camp from both the Christmas tree and the rec hall.

*********

LeBeau held quickly sucked in his breath as he looked down at the ground. It would be a long fall if he let go, through thick branches and…he didn't want to think about it. Regaining his composure, he continued his ascent to the top of the tree.

"Notre Père, qui es aux cieux, Que ton nom soit sanctifié, Que ton règne vienne, Que ta volonté soit faite sur la terre comme au ciel." LeBeau muttered the Lord's prayer to himself. He stood on one of the branches for a few seconds, knowing it could break any moment. He had never liked climbing trees, especially one as small and unstable as this…he just hoped the guards couldn't see him, not that he was being particularly sly.

"I just needed to fix the star, that's it. If they see me and wonder why I'm climbing up the outside of a Christmas tree, that will be my excuse." He felt the tree sway beneath him as he reached for the antenna. Crack! The branch that he had been putting most of his weight on cracked a little with his weight. He reached for the antenna once more, his eyes almost blinded by the setting sun. His hand finally clasped metal. He had it! He slowly untied it and began to descend.

"Halt! Halt!" He heard a guard yelling beneath him. "What are you doing?" He looked down. Mon Dieu! It was only Schultz!

"I was just fixing the star, Schultz! Doesn't it look better now?"

"I can't tell the difference." Schultz said perplexedly

"Mon Dieu! I risk my neck to perfect the tree and ingrates such as you can't even tell!"

"Please come down, Cockroach, I don't want you to get hurt."

"Alright, Schultzie, I'll come down." LeBeau breathed a sigh of relief as he began to descend the tree, still clinging tightly to the antenna. By the time he had once again reached the ground, Schultz had once again left, probably for the mess hall. LeBeau scouted the area quickly, and then walked into the barracks where he quickly hid the antenna.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten:**

"This is where our favorite pet mouse, Felix, used to live." Hogan said, now bluffing to give any excuse to remain in the mess hall.

"Did he die?" Major Braun asked, sarcasm and annoyance simply dripping from his voice as he continued to roll his empty camera.

"No, we moved him from the mess hall to the rec hall after the cook found that several flour bags had rather suspicious holes in them, but we can't tell if those were there before they arrived."

"This film will have to be edited, that is certain." Major Braun muttered, picking up his tripod and walking out of the door.

"Don't you want to see where the Krauts have stored our Red Cross packages?" Hogan said, "They're just right through this door…"

"No, no, we don't need to go in there!" Klink said loudly, placing himself between the door and the Major. "Hogan, how do you know about this?" Klink asked after the General and the Major began to walk towards the mess hall's exit once more.

"It was just a lucky guess. After all, what do meek, cowed prisoners of war know about their Kommandant's illegal procedures?" Hogan said in a mocking humility.

"What will it take to keep you silent?"

"Our Red Cross packages distributed and one extra shower per week."

"Request…granted. Now, do you give me your word as an officer and a gentleman that this will never leave this room?"

"You have my word." Hogan caught up to the General and the Major who were tarrying by the doorway. "Now men," Hogan said brightly, "Where to next, the cooler, the delousing station,"

"No delousing stations!" Klink yelled.

"Alright then the cooler it is, now, on your left you will see a few of our barracks, which are commonly seen about the Stalag…" Hogan continued to talk in his tour guide voice. He opened the door to the compound and led the officers on an overly detailed tour about the camp.

********

"That is the main gate, and those are the guard towers, and those are dogs…" Hogan tried to keep his audience occupied as he kept pointing out anything that he could to distract them. He looked around for LeBeau. Where was he? He hoped that they would not run in to him. That would make for an interesting situation, to say the least.

"Hogan, that is of no interest to the major and the general!" Klink said, disapprovingly.

"Major, is there anything that you would like to film? Or have you gotten enough already?" Burkhalter asked shivering. "It is rather cold, and Klink said that the prisoners have prepared a Christmas feast for us."

"It is perfect! Prisoners and guards will all celebrate the joys of the season together! Klink, pick a few of your prisoners and three or four guards. They will attend the party. I will be filming, and of course General Burkhalter will be included in the film." Major Braun said, showing the first hint of excitement since his arrival.

Hogan absentmindedly looked around for LeBeau, not paying much attention to the Major's speech. He hoped that one of the guards hadn't spotted him, or if a guard had seen him, that it would have been Schultz. He took another scan of the area. There he was, standing next to the barracks! LeBeau gave Hogan the thumbs up signal and nonchalantly began to meander away. No longer needing to be concerned with LeBeau's well being, Hogan turned his mind back to the conversation, which Klink was attempting to dominate.

"Yes, it is perfect, isn't it? You know, the party was my idea. Hogan, pick a few of your men to attend the party. Schultz, Langschiedt, and Schumacher will accompany you. Haha! I am so close to a promotion I can taste it!" Klink smiled and rubbed his hands together in excitement.

"Alright Kommandant, Newkirk, Olsen, and Carter will come, along with me of course."

"The party shall start at, say seven o'clock. Until then, we shall retire." General Burkhalter said, staggering slowly towards the VIP quarters.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven:**

Seven o'clock approached without much event. Carter, Newkirk, Hogan and Olsen, all wearing their best clothes, walked towards the party in Klink's quarters.

"Now remember, men, feel free to praise the German army and basically say whatever bologna you think the propaganda ministry wants to hear. It will make Major Braun happy, at least until he discovers the film is missing." Hogan smiled and knocked on the door.

"Ah, Hogan! Come in, come in! Would any of you like anything to drink?" Klink perfectly played the part of the charming host as Major Braun began to roll the film.

The room was decorated beautifully. There were evergreen wreaths and boughs, a few scarce paper snowflakes, and strands of popcorn. There was a large table in the center of the room, completely loaded with food. There was lebkuchen, stollen, reisbrei, several pies, sugar cookies, plum pudding, pumpkin bread, and cranberry sauce, all made with only small amounts of sugar as it was expensive to buy in the black market. Potatoes prepared at least four ways, per request of Klink, and But sitting in the center of the table was the piece de resistance. A large stuffed goose, baked to perfection. The prisoners' mouths watered from simply looking at it.

"So, you have abandoned all hope of escape, correct?" Major Braun asked

"It's not that we have abandoned hope, it's that we don't want to escape." Hogan said, truthfully

"We've realized that there's no point in resisting an empire as powerful and widespread at that of Germany." Newkirk added.

"We have seen the error of our ways." Olsen said, almost too sincerely, as he looked at the feast that was spread out before them.

"Yeah, we've learned that, even though we're enemies, it doesn't mean we can't be friends." Carter said

"I agree completely!" Schultz said, flamboyantly stepping in front of the camera, holding a glass of schnapps in one hand and a rather large cookie in the other.

"Please move away from the camera, no one wants to see an old, fat, half drunk sergeant in a propaganda film!" Burkhalter said from his half reclined position on the couch.

"How about an old, fat, half drunk General?" Hogan said with a smile.

"Hogan!" Klink said, turning red.

The party continued for several hours. Major Braun would tape anything he felt would make a good propaganda film, but for the most part, he simply ate and drank as much as he could. At around ten thirty, Hogan stood up to make an announcement.

"Now, gentlemen, may I present to you the Stalag 13 Singers! They have been practicing their Christmas caroling all week and would now like to demonstrate their talents."

"Very good, Hogan, you may send for your men." Burkhalter said, sitting in the same position as he had for the majority of the party. Hogan saluted and walked out of the door.

"This is wunderbar! I am so happy that I checked my camera for film earlier today! How unfortunate would it have been if I had been filming all day with an empty camera." Major Braun said, setting up his tripod once more.

"W-wait. When did you check your camera?" Newkirk said, his eyes wide with worry.

"Just after I got it out of the rec hall, and believe me, I'm glad I did. My promotion is almost assured. Imagine…Colonel Braun. It has a nice ring to it." The old major said in an almost Klink like voice. Just after this, Hogan entered the room, followed by Kinch, Baker, LeBeau, who was still wearing his chef's attire, and a dozen other prisoners.

"So, are we ready for the music?" Hogan said, taking his seat between Newkirk and Carter.

"You may begin." Major Braun said, rolling the film. The choir began to sing a popular new song called White Christmas. Newkirk pulled at Hogan's sleeve to get his attention.

"Yes?" Hogan asked, grinning widely

"We 'ave some trouble guv'nor. Major Braun has film in his camera. He checked the camera after I lifted the film and was able to replace it." Newkirk said, urgently. The smile immediately fell from Hogan's face. He sat back in his chair, deep in thought.

"We're going to have to destroy the film." Hogan said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"How are we going to do that?" Carter asked

"Newkirk, how many of those crackers did you make?" Hogan asked

"About seventy."

"Carter, do you think that you can rig the tree to fall over in a certain direction?"

"A kindergartener could do that, Colonel."

"Good. If we do this correctly, we might just pull it off." Hogan turned his attention back to the choir for a second. "Carter, go get the tree ready. Newkirk, grab your crackers and leave them in a box outside. I'll remain in here until the end of the performance." Newkirk and Carter nodded and, a few minutes later, inconspicuously rose and left the building.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve:**

Hogan gave the choir a hearty round of applause as they finished their last song. The audience stood up and began to say their good-byes.

"It was a pleasure working with all of you. Believe me; Berlin will look on this film most favorably." Major Braun said as he shook General Burkhalter's hand.

"You can't leave yet! The most important part of the day is just about to start! The tree lighting ceremony!" Hogan said.

"I really must be getting back to town…," Major Braun said as he checked his pocket watch.

"Imagine what a finale it would be. Guards and prisoners all standing around a candle-lit tree, at least it will be lit as far as we can reach, singing Silent Night in their respective languages. Oh, well. I know it is late and you really must be getting back to town…" Hogan said nonchalantly.

"Now that you put it that way, yes. That would be a proper finale to this film. Just give me a few minutes to set up my equipment." Major Braun began to stagger towards the front door.

"Here, let me help you." Hogan said, taking the camera from the tipsy Major.

"Oh, Danke." The major said, tripping down the front stairs. Carrying the bulky camera, Hogan looked over at Carter. Carter aligned himself with the tree and made a falling motion with his hand to show Hogan which way the tree would fall. Hogan set the camera directly in the path of the fall. He walked over to the herd of prisoners standing next to the tree to "organize" them. He discreetly whispered to Newkirk, Kinch, and LeBeau before he walked back to the front of the crowd.

"Alright, everyone needs to next to the tree and at the Major's signal start to sing and light the candles." Hogan said to the prisoners and guards who had congregated around the tree. The major raised his hand for the signal and the group began to sing Silent Night as LeBeau and Kinch began to light the candles. The prisoners were just about to begin the third verse, when Hogan signaled to Olsen and Newkirk who were standing near the back of the group.

"That's the signal!" Olsen whispered. "One, two, three!" He and Newkirk began to pop open the crackers that Newkirk had made. POP, POP, POP!

"We are under attack!" Klink said as he dove under the porch.

"Major Braun, come on, we need to get into some shelter!" Hogan yelled, dragging the Major away from his camera and towards the Kommandant's office.

"My camera!" Major Braun yelled, struggling against Hogan's pull

"That film won't help with your promotion if you're not here to get it!" Burkhalter said from his inside of Klink's office building.

"You're right." Major Braun ducked into the office. Kinch and LeBeau, seeing that all of the officers were inside of the building pushed the tree so that it would fall on top of the camera. CRACK! The tree slowly began to fall, gaining momentum with every second. Smash! Evergreen branches obscured the lonely camera. Suddenly, the candles caught and the whole tree was ablaze.

"Fire! Fire!" Klink yelled from his hiding spot.

"Wow, look at that burn! Whoosh! I've never seen a fire that big!" Carter said, looking at the blaze in awe.

"Guards, guards! Get some water! Put out that tree!" Klink said, finally mustering up enough courage to emerge from his hiding place in his office. Within a few moments, almost every guard in the camp, along with a few dozen prisoners, were pouring buckets of water over the blaze. The battle raged on for twenty minutes until finally, all that remained of the tree were its incinerated, smoking remains.

"My camera!" Major Braun yelled as he ran toward the charred wood.

"Here it is." Hogan used a shovel that one of the guards had been using to shovel snow on top of the tree to pick it up. It was black and mangled, one could barely tell that the lump of metal had once been a camera. "A little soap and water and it will be as good as new."

"No! The film inside is ruined. Everything is ruined. No film, no promotion, no nothing." The old Major sank to his knees in the dark snow.

"Oh, look at the time. I must be leaving now." Burkhalter hopped into his staff car and signaled for his driver to leave. The major stood up and left his camera in the snow. He, too, got into his car and drove out of the gate.

"My promotion, my commendation, my medals, gone all gone." Colonel Klink said as he dejectedly went back into his office. The remaining men, all prisoners and guards, stood silently for a few seconds.

"Hey, guys! It's Christmas!" A prisoner yelled, shattering the silence. Cheers and laughter erupted as the men began to wish each other Merry Christmas, Joyux Noël, and Fröliches Weihnachten. LeBeau produced a large pot of apple cider from the mess hall, which everyone had a glass of. A few of the choir members began to sing "Joy to the World" and every guard and prisoner in the camp joined in.

"Congratulations on a successful mission, men. Merry Christmas." Hogan said to his men. Then they too joined in the singing, the war forgotten for Christmas day.


End file.
